We Made It! But Not Really.

I’ve been warning folks not to tie all their hopes to a date change on a calendar but I do agree that this year can just get the fuck out of here already. Do whatever you need to on New Years, RESPONSIBLY, to get the grime of 2020 off you. I plan to write a bunch of terrible events that happened to me on pieces of paper and burn them one by one. I may also be yelling obscenities while doing so. Feel free to use that idea.

But hey, if you’re reading this, we’ve at least drug ourselves to the end of the year. We’re still technically alive somewhat and that’s saying something. Trust me, my family’s been through way too many near-death experiences this year to have that be a minor thing. Alive is good. Healthy is another thing but we’ve got 2021 to work on that. Alive is enough.

Some folks on twitter asked about three good things that happened to you this year or three things you did manage to accomplish and boy was that a hard thought to process. I’m happy to say I did manage to achieve my (retooled) goal of posting once a week on here. Was it always high quality? No. Was it what my original goal was? Also no. Did I manage to do something consistently in the face of unending familial tragedies and a world on fire? Yes. That counts. I also landed a new day job that is so much better on my work/life balance that I managed to *gasp* enjoy hobbies this year. Working from home with cat firmly planted on lap (and also on a pouf next to my chair) has been a massive upgrade to my mental health.

I normally try to set goals and expectations for my year ahead so I can get a plan in place by January 1. I will absolutely NOT be doing that for 2021. That wedding I was supposed to have in January will remain in limbo for as long as it needs to. The massive revamping and relaunching of AMJ will be in pieces as I can get to it. I have vague ideas of what I’ll do during the next 365 days but nothing is set in stone. Give yourself the gift of no expectations.

I wish that this post could be light and heartfelt and joyful. We do have vaccines on the way, a new President, and some things to be grateful for. But I, and I know others, will be grappling with so much LOSS here at the end of 2020. Overwhelming, unalterable loss. This will continue into the new year and maybe beyond. So be kind to yourself and give yourself space to grieve.

Hope as a concept is presented as this mystical thing that a person either has or doesn’t have with no in between. The truth is that hope takes work, not just blind faith. So we should all focus on working and hoping together, lest 2021 be a repeat of last year. May you and yours stay safe through this Winter and may we all gather safely once more one day.